Thursday, April 8, 2010

10 Things That Piss Me Off On Facebook

I woke up early this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. Now I'm cranky. I looked at my Facebook feed to lull myself back to sleep by reviewing my friends dull and painfully boring lives. And suddenly everything started pissing me off. So I made a list. Now before you start thinking "Oh, god not another '10 ____ Things About Facebook That Suck list'", I want you to take a moment to go fuck yourself.

Here's a list of real shit that is pissing me off in my Facebook feed:

1) Bitches that call each other bitch, in jest like "hahahaha Sup bitch? Not much bitch hahaha OMG bitch loook we're are so edgy and irreverent and everyone thinks we're so fackin kewwwwl hahahah"

STFU BITCHES. No one gives a flying FUCK how cool you think you are when you call each other a "bitch" a "slut" or even a "cumdumspter". You're not edgy and we can all tell your mindless conversation was typed KNOWING that other people would see it on their feed. Go home. Disconnect your internet. And do real shit.

2) Bitches that have CRAZY amounts of "I'm so in love" status messages a WEEK after they get into a relationship. And if they AREN'T in a relationship? THE MOST DEPRESSING STATUS' EVER.

Here's a thought: STOP BASING YOUR SELF WORTH ON WHETHER SOMEONE IS CUDDLING WITH YOU TONIGHT. You constantly have to have attention from someone for you to feel like you matter. This is because your self worth is absolute shit. Instead of jumping in and out of relationships looking for a feeling you will never find (Because the feeling you were looking for was inside you all along, Malibu Barbie), how bout you work on YOURSELF and learn to be happy alone? Besides, IM A NICE GUY AND YOU JUST WONT GIVE ME A CHANCE

3) "I'm a nice guy but girls just won't give me a chance!!" Or dudes that complain about how nice guys finish last. (Or girls dont like nice guys)

Hey bud, you know who likes nice guys? CHARITIES. Go fuckin join one. Otherwise; here's some news about the world: IT IS A GIANT HOME INVASION ARTIST AND RAPIST. It will wait until you are at your most vulnerable (like being asleep, safe and warm in your house), break in, and BUTTRAPE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU. On top of that, it's a trained killer and you're going to die. Stop being a pussy and go after what you want instead of bitchin on Facebook that you don't have it. There is only one point in life. BEING HAPPY. If you're too much of a pussy to go after what makes you happy, you are going to be one miserable fuck.

4) "OMG these guys are always hitting on me. UGH!"

Newsflash sweetheart: Guys have dicks. And they like to put their dicks IN things. Sometimes it doesn't even matter if those thing's are even ALIVE or if they are inanimate objects (I give you: Fleshlight). You (a female)+ Guys (with dicks)= YOU'RE NOT THAT FUCKIN SPECIAL. I'm not saying we don't all have feelings and love and all that shit. Not EVERY guy is a dog... But in the end? It all boils down to dicks and vagina's.

You see this woman?

"Well hello there, Mr. Delicious-dick"

There are tens of thousands of men (Bear in mind, this out of 6 BILLION people) on the same planet as you and I, dying to fuck the shit out of her. At least 10 of those men quite literally; in some sort of bizzare auto-erotic asphyxiation/scat fetish.

I say again: You are not that special. And for that matter, neither am I.


Oh. My. Fucking. God. Farmville and Mafia Wars was bad enough, now I have to bothered with invites to join Facebook apps THAT CAN'T EVEN BE BOTHERED TO SPELL CHECK THEIR OWN NAME OR DESCRIPTION?? My head is about to explode. Fuck curing AIDS. I will make it my life's goal to invent the technology to allow me TO DRAGON PUNCH YOU THROUGH THE INTERNET. And when I do? I'll send you a fuckin invite.

6) "OMG I'm so artsy because I posted up some obscure ass song lyric that BARELY makes ANY sense when read in print. I'm so artsy that I want you to google those lyrics and see how deep I am, or at the very least acknowledge you know the song/poem too! OMG!!"

Get. The. Fuck. Off. My. Earth... NOW. First off, you aren't cool because you know some fuckin Indy band. You just have a shitty enough taste in music that you're one of the few people on this planet that will actually listen to the artists in question. Congrats Mr. or Mrs. ShittyTaste, you are now fuckin fired from life.

"You're fuckin' fired."

Also, anyone who "likes" your status is as big a douche as you. You want to impress me? PUT SOME SHIT UP YOU ACTUALLY WROTE YOUR FUCKIN SELF. Otherwise; you and your "like" buddies can make like an apple and GO FUCK YOURSELVES.

7) "OMG I'm a fan of literally EVERY FUCKING EVERYTHING EVER and you should be too!! Here's an invite because I'm sure Facebook has a point system for how many invites I send, and one day I will win THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD."

You know what? I'm super happy for you. I think it's awesome that there are people in this world that share your love of "Wiping from front to back" or "Wiping while sitting down" or hell, maybe you're on of those crazy fucks that are a fan of "Wiping while standing up but really, REALLY, getting your finger in there to make sure it's clean". Really, that is just... SUPER awesome. But hey, asswipe? (See what I did there?) I DO NOT SHARE YOUR ENTHUSIASM FOR EVERY LITTLE FUCKING THING IN LIFE. So you're a fan of "Using your shoulder to hold your cellphone up so that you cantalkandfoldFUCKINCLOTHESAFASDFASDGOMG"

FUCK YOU. I don't need you suggesting that I become a fan of it, much less suggesting that, as human beings, WE HAVE ANYTHING IN COMMON OTHER THAN FUCKIN ANATOMY. You know what I think of your fan page suggestions to obscure random shit? How bout YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. Also: Go fuck yourself.


I'll keep this one as short and simple as your thought process. If you can't be bothered to spell out anything, male or female, no matter the race or creed; I can't be bothered to think that anything you say will ever matter to anyone EVER.

You know what's worse? You are making a conscience decision to type like that. No matter what website you go to, even if it's only Facebook, everything is written properly. You see it in front of you at the same time you are typing. You could spell everything properly, use correct grammar, and most importantly, not piss me off. Yet you purposely choose not to. I'm as hiphop as the next dude. Hell, I'm a rapper. But I don't feel compelled to prove this by typing like I was conceived by a retarded bus driver and a fuckin Dinosaur.

Oh, and here's a protip: TURN YOUR FUCKIN CAPS LOCK OFF YOU DUMB FUCK. There is a SHIFT key that allows you to alternate between the appropriate capital or lowercase letters. And I know DAMN WELL you know this because I see you having deep, deep, philosophical discussions on your wall with people who TaLk LiK3 DiS yO.

9) "RT @SomeDumbFuck @You Dude you are so fuckin kewl dude!! <----Thanks bro!! BRBLOLBBQ"

First of all, I have no problem linking your Twitter to your other social networking sites. Hell I have mine linked to my Facebook too. BUT READ THE SETTINGS YOU STUPID FUCK.

I need don't need to see your EVERY Tweet on my feed. I don't need to see EVERY FUCKING RETWEET WHERE SOMEONE HAS STROKED YOUR EGO OR TICKLED YOUR BALLS ON TWITTER. Leave that shit THERE.

Besides, with you clogging my feed how will I ever find out that "Sally Bitchface completed her fucking Skyscraper in Farmville"? The short Answer? I won't. AND I NEED TO KNOW THAT SHIT.

10) "Sally Bitchface completed her fucking Skyscraper in Farmville."

Let it be known: I used to play Farmville. I don't know why, but I played it. A LOT. But then I realized it was a complete ripoff. Once it gets so big it gets IMPOSSIBLE to do anything without buying some of their bullshit "Coins" or "Cash". Then I drew the line when all of the sudden they gave me a fuckin RAINBOW COLORED HOT AIR BALLOON FOR NO REASON. What the fuck does that have to do with a farm?

"What, dude? We put black sheep in them. Sheep go with farms. Read a fuckin book."

Anyway, judging from the messages coming from some people, I don't know WHAT the hell is going on with Farmville anymore.

All I know is: I DON'T NEED TO KNOW WHEN YOU RECEIVED A NAIL TO HELP BUILD YOUR BARN. Oh and in case you didn't know: You can buy nails IN BULK in the real world. What the fuck is this shit about a SINGLE nail??

Do me a favor. The next time that shit asks you to "Publish to Wall", reach down into your soul and scrape together what human decency you have left and please, PLEASE click "No." I'm tired of hearing how you are "Now a level 10 potato grower" (Seriously Farmville WTF?), how your "Bear shit in the woods", or how your cow "Released 10 square foot pounds of Methane into the atmosphere."

Dear god, people. Think of the children.

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  1. lol, thank god i don't do any of these things ;) hugs!!

  2. haha No, Melita you're fine. And even if you did, it's just a little dark humor. Nothing serious lol

  3. Comment on my feed recently:

    "fooooreaaaaaal slut. who did(n't) you bang this weekend?"

    That one is so point, that always pissing me off.