I swear sometimes I wonder if I'm human.
Because I know for a FACT I come from a pack of fuckin retards.
Case in point: My mother was just discussing with my sister how one of our family members was trying to get on disability because of a recent heart attack.
"They won't let her for a year" My sister says.
To which my mother replies "Yeah but she will have all that back pay when she does get approved"
And then my brother-in-law offers one of his pearls of wisdom (which are near infinite in quantity): "She'll have enough to buy a home!" And everyone in this conversation let's out a collective, knowing, "Yeahhhh."
Ok. Aside from the obvious (and painfully) stupid banter, let's do some maths to help you get out of the dumb right quick. The average recipient of SSD gets around 500 dollars a month. There are 12 fucking months in a YEAR. Five hundred multiplied by twelve is SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS. What the FUCK kind of home can you buy with that?? The average price of a home in Morgantown is around $250,000 you fucktarded dickhole.
Oh you meant trailer home. And used at that. Very well. Carry on then.
At this point I have had just about enough of the stupid. Just before I rip my own head off and throw it at them, I decide to walk to the corner store.
When I reached the store I hold open the door for a man who is sharply dressed in a suit and tie. I held the door for him because this was obviously a man of principles and priorities. And goddam it, he's got shit to do.
The man thanks me and promptly passes the clean and expensive Yukon sitting in front (which, being of sound mind, I deduced was his), only to head straight for a GOD. DAMN. DIRT BIKE. A dirt bike, I might add, that had a redneck so perfectly in place beside it, I could only assume it belonged to him.
My mind collapsed in on itself and I just walked away from the store. Didn't even buy anything. I just left.
On the walk home I begin to feel like someone out there HAS to be sitting in a booth, making this shit happen. Someone out there is fucking with me. Has to be. This kind of shit can not just be. The universe is fuckin with me.
As SOON as I get home, the trio of of ever-wise investment bankers are gathered around the computer.
'Uh-oh' I think to myself. I have become Prometheus, and given them fire.
One of them looks up (my sister) and asks "Since you're not deploying, do you want to go to Ireland?"
WHAT. My mind screams and begins eating itself. What in the fuck kind of conversations could have possibly taken place in my absence??? How could the conversation I just left have SOMEHOW naturally progressed into considering a fucking vacation to fucking IRELAND?!!?
This can not just be. I resist the urge to pull out every drawer in the house looking for scripts and calmly excuse myself, with my laptop, outside to just get away. It was either that or just start stabbing the shit out of myself while screaming "WHY?!?!?"
No sooner than I had sat down to write this very blog post, my (admittedly crazy) neighbor approaches and says (in one breathless sentence) "Can I sell you a pack of cigarettes so that I can go buy some cigars and smoke them instead of the cigarettes I normally smoke because my lungs hurt."
Alright Christof. Now you're just reaching.
Well my director must have heard me because after I explained that I had cigarettes and didn't need any, I sent him on his way back to Crazy Town which, as it turns out, is just 3 doors down from me. Suddenly, my neighbor from the left side of my door arrives.
This particular neighbor is a female. Around 40ish and is very, very outdoorsy. Because of her demeanor I had always taken her to be a lesbian. Real nice lady, but a lesbian for sure. And a hippy. I'm talking barefoot-hair-braided-bead-wearing-organic-food-eating hippy. The real deal.
Only... Wait a minute. She just pulled up on the back of a Harley driven by the burliest biker I've ever seen this side of MountainFest.
What. The. Fuck. I swear to you someone is out there and is just throwing curve balls at me just to see how much it fucks my brain up. Or more likely, to drive me shitting-chickens-crazy. Has to be.
Even though this all took place in the span of half an hour to 45 minutes, I've learned two things today:
1) NEVER assume things about people
2) Everybody but me is fuckin stupid.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have some cameras to find...